


The Impossible Dream

by walkthatlonesomevalley



Category: Faking It (TV 2014)
Genre: F/F, Karmy - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-09 22:04:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1999614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkthatlonesomevalley/pseuds/walkthatlonesomevalley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karma remembers her whole life with Amy... *warning: flashbacks and heartache*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Impossible Dream

**Author's Note:**

> *I've been playing around with Karma theories and I really like this one in my head. It seems a little improbable but I actually really like it so I'm going to try and put it into words. Unlike some, I actually find Karma to be really interesting and very emotionally damaged by her upbringing and her feelings, though she rarely shows that outright. I think there is definitely more than what we've seen of her and I never thought ever that she was purposely trying to hurt Amy, not in any way. After the finale I really wanted to flesh out her character in my mind because she has definitely earned an explanation for all the crazy things she has done and the things she superficially wants. I think there is a lot more to her than what we are seeing and if that turns out to never be explained I will forever be sad about that avoidable mess.*
> 
> *This is just one way I can see Karma's actions explained.*

The Impossible Dream

I can't believe this, I really can't.

Years back when I first met Amy, I knew almost instantly that I loved her more than life.

We'd play every day and laugh every day. It didn't take long. I tried to kiss her while we were playing SORRY in the elementary school gym on a rainy indoor day. We had gotten all wet playing outside before the yard-duty dragged us in and threw games at us to calm us down. We had laughed so much playing tag and Amy was tickling me. It felt so natural so I just did it to try and stop her. She pushed me away and smiled. Her cheeks were all red and she looked happy. It was cute, we were cute. It didn't bother me then that she made me stop. We were at school. Other people could see. I didn't need to kiss her to know that she was mine and I was hers. No one else ever mattered to us then.

It happened again in seventh grade. At this point I hadn't been fantasizing or pining away. I didn't expect to do what I did but I was so happy after. It was unexpected and I loved it at the time but it's caused me a world of hurt. That kiss was the beginning of my emotional mess.

It was Halloween and I had dressed Amy up all sexy with a kitten-themed costume. We were going to our first big party. It was at Ryan Miller's house and everyone was invited. Amy was being so nice. She let me drag her around and dress her up in something she would honestly never wear. I made her try on so many things: sexy doctor, sexy carpenter, sexy nurse, you get the idea.

At one point she tried to get me to let her wear a Cat-Woman suit because at least that covered all of her skin. I fought her on it and we finally agreed on the sexy little kitten costume. But I think by then she was just hungry and sick of all the arguing we had done. She liked the ears but that was all she liked.

Originally she wanted to be that lame Scream monster with the mask. Completely invisible, it was so very Amy. We had been on a horror movie binge all month renting everything and even watching old grainy YouTube uploads of forgotten horror films they would never carry at any video store because they sucked so very much.

I forced her into that kitty costume. She looked amazing but she hated it all. If I wasn't trying to get us both to be more popular I would've hated myself more for what I had done. It was a weird time for both of us. We were growing up and finding that other people didn't really understand us.

Amy couldn't get into Yearbook because this bossy evil bitch, Ashley Pogue, had lied to the teacher and told him that Amy wasn't the right fit. She said that Amy had no photography skills and that she was flaky. The committee listened and the teacher believed Ashley Pogue. It was the only real club Amy had ever willing wanted to join and she couldn't get in because people didn't know her. It killed me because it killed her. That's why the sexy kitten. That's why the popular obsession. That's why even now when I'm thinking about Liam Booker, I'm actually really thinking about Amy having a good life instead of a shit one, stuck with me.

At the party on Halloween we were nervous so we drank alcohol. It was Amy's first time but not mine. My parents were always asking me back then if I wanted to do weird things. The Christmas before that party I had drank my fair share of spiked cider to block out the new tribal dancing that was all the rage in my mother's living room. My parents had been to burning man that summer and they had made all sorts of new friends. Their friends were always over and I was always just this thing that was there. For a while, in sixth grade, drinking was a big habit of mine but I never shared that knowledge with Amy.

At the party, since she was drunk and easy to convince, I pushed Amy into playing a game with the popular kids. It was 7 minutes in heaven, that game where you're supposed to hook-up. Amy was completely clueless but I thought maybe with a boy in front of her she'd just go with the flow. I told her this is what she had to do if she wanted to join clubs and be happier. It was a stupid thing to say and an idiotic thing to do. I caused her pain and it was completely on accident, all of it was.

She got trapped in the closet with Aaron Lewis. He was good looking and shy, with pretty black hair, a perfect fit for Amy but, things did not go well. When he kissed her in the closet she was so nervous that she threw up all over his shoes. Everyone found out because Amy ran out almost instantly and Ryan Miller laughed loudly at the state of his rejected friend.

The plan backfired in a crazy way. Amy ran out of the house and escaped to the backyard. She found more booze and drank it. I pulled the cup from her hand and made her sit down so I could apologize and ask if she was okay. We sat by the pool while other people talked and laughed and kissed one another. She was crying in that kitten costume at the strange house with all the string lights everywhere. She was crying and it was all my fault. Despite what had happened, it was all somehow instantly romantic for me. She had done all these things and I was so at fault. I just wanted everyone to love her as much as I did. I felt foolish and sad. I wished it was me who had done the stupid things. I may not have thrown up on Aaron Lewis but maybe if I got popular Amy could just be herself and not have to try.

I remember Hilary Duff was playing when I kissed her. It was silly, Amber Tassler, one of the peppy band kids who was always being rowdy, had been laughing with an Ipod in her hands as Coming Clean came on over the loudspeakers and everyone laughed, cheered, and groaned all at once. Even Amy stopped to laugh. It was so different than the rap and hip-hop we had been listening to up until then.

The music was so right and I just saw it again, how beautiful she was. I saw how much I actually loved Amy. How much I wanted to win for her and make her life simple and fix all the things that could ever possibly go wrong. I hated that other people couldn't see what was great about her. I hated it more than not kissing her but right then I knew I could fix one of my problems. So I leaned forward and I kissed her.

I kissed her then with Hilary Duff playing in the background and tears rolling down her face from that episode she never would've had if I had not of forced her to do so. I kissed her and for once she kissed me back. I'd never know why.

The next day she apologized and told me she had drank too much. We never talked about it as anything other than a joke but I always remembered how perfect it was, how pretty she had been, how much I wanted to kiss her, how much I wanted for everything to go right in her life. Just being there and being me couldn't solve all her problems and I wanted her to get what she wanted, I always did.

The last time it happened was the most problematic. It was the summer before Freshman year and it was Amy's birthday of all days. A day when Amy should only feel happy.

We were in the kitchen baking a cake. Amy had watched a special on the travel channel about monumental cakes and she wanted to make one with ten layers. It was all she had asked for, Farrah naturally obliged.

We had made a mess, we were running out of pans, we had seven mixes going before even touching the oven and Amy knocked a large tray over along with two of the cakes that were just ready to go in the oven. I wasn't expecting it but she was frustrated and sad because making more cake would mean having to go back to the store.

"Dammit!" She swore.

"Language missy!" Farrah scolded. "We can always make some more with flour and chocolate." Farrah defused the situation walking around Amy and handing her a large bag of flour because she knew Amy almost better than I did, at times. As soon as Amy got the flour her mood instantly improved.

"You've got something" I said. The batter had splashed up onto her face. She looked so cute there like that, I couldn't help but stare. Her hair was falling out of her hair-tie and her face was red from running around and singing in the kitchen because we had been blasting music really loud and making a party out of her monumental cake extravaganza.

"Shoot, we need the good kind!" Farrah said, she had walked off to fetch Hershey's chocolate powder from the hall pantry since it was Amy's absolute favorite.

"I ruin everything." Amy had whined with a pathetic smile that made me want to go back in time and save the cake and stop her from naturally being a klutz. Her klutziness was horribly attractive. I hadn't noticed it 'til just then.

"Nothing is ruined." I remember saying as I wiped batter from her eyebrow with a wet rag and grabbed her hand in mine seeing her again and knowing again that I actually wanted to kiss her now with this mess at our feet. Of course Amy would ruin the cake. Of course nothing could go right even though she always tried. And on her birthday of all days...

There was batter on her lip, just a spot. I was so happy for her, always happy. When I saw her I saw how she was the only one in my life who ever gave me real love and care. She paid attention to me and listened. She wasn't like my parents, they ignored me all the time and left me alone more often than not.

Seeing Amy there, cute like that, and sad about the cakes, I decided to be bold because I wanted to then. I really wanted to. I leaned in and kissed her, taking her by surprise. I tasted the chocolate and the taste of sprite in her mouth from our McDonalds trip an hour before.

It wasn't like it sounds, I wasn't just tasting flavors. On top of those sweet things, I felt Amy. It was like I was tasting all the feelings I had. I tasted a beginning and a betterness, a sweetness, and a forever us. I tasted the concentrated feeling of being loved and loving back. I tasted a future and a love so powerful it was all I could feel.

"Whoa," she had said when I stopped.

"Karma!" Farrah had seen. I remember her standing there by the hall, just staring with that huge box of Hershey's powder in her hand. She was stunned. She didn't know what to say. Amy and I were teenagers then; we were no longer kids. "We don't do that here Karma." Farrah had said coldly. She walked around the kitchen and grabbed my arm harder than she'd ever need to, harder than she should have, it was one of the reasons we were never really okay after that.

"Hey! Don't grab her!" Amy had yelled and pulled her Mom's hand away.

"I'm sorry Amy but Karma has to go home now." Farrah had let go but that feeling was still there, that anger from her that cut into me deep. I wasn't angry, it was much worse than that. It was like I had been found out by someone who might actually care.

"Wait? She has to stay!" Amy fought, "What about the cake?!"

"Karma needs to leave." Farrah had tried to hide it but I knew she wanted to hit me. I almost wondered why she didn't. If she had slapped me I might have ran. I had tainted her daughter and brought her into my fucked up world where up is down and down is up and children are adults and adults are stupid children.

"Why?!" Amy yelled. "We were laughing and she kissed me! It's no big deal! I can't believe how crazy you're being! You could've hurt her, she might be hurt!"

"I don't have to explain my parenting to you, Amy. I didn't hurt her but it's time for her to go."

"Fine. I don't even want a fucking cake. All I wanted to do was spend my birthday doing something fun with my only real friend!"

"Amy! You stop that right now!" Farrah had said.

"Come on," Amy had grabbed my hand and taken me quickly outside. "I'll walk her home!" She yelled back at her Mom and slammed the front door.

We ran for several blocks with her crying all the way. Eventually I too began to cry.

"I can't believe she did that." She was really upset. "Your parents are always so nice to me and my Mom always treats you weird. I hate her! She always ruins everything!" Amy cried. She was so excited about that cake and I had ruined her birthday by being foolish and kissing her in a place where her mother could see. Of course Farrah wouldn't be okay with something like that. I had mess things up so badly, again.

The worst thing about all this was just like before, we didn't talk about the kiss. Farrah's car had started trolling us when we were almost to my house. We had run almost all the way there.

"I'm really sorry Karma." Amy cried weakly.

"I'm sorry I ruined your birthday." I cried back.

"You didn't. She did." Farrah got all the blame.

"Amy, say goodbye and get in the car." Farrah's mood then had been the coldest I had ever seen. She was usually such a bubbly person. To see her that upset at me when I was only a kid, it felt like something was really wrong with me. It was the first time I felt like maybe what I was feeling was actually perverted. From there I started to feel wrong.

We didn't talk about the kiss but Amy still loved me. She called me while the cakes were baking and rambled on and on about how crazy her Mom was and how sad she was that I wasn't there because she knew she'd suck at stacking the cake and no matter what it would never be right if I wasn't there. I couldn't form words because I had already started to feel wrong somehow.

On the plus side, I knew no matter what that Amy didn't hate me for kissing her. And if I ever asked about the past she laughed and told me lovingly that I had always been a little gay. She said these things affectionately with nothing but playfulness on her face. She always loved me so much, just not that way. It took years for me to realize that our friendship was much more important to me than anything else. Years of holding things in and trying to forget and act normal and be the person Farrah wanted me to be. Mostly, I tried not to remember that I was truly in love.

Since then I've felt nothing like that for anyone else. The only person I ever had the urge to kiss was Amy.

My parents would've loved it. They always asked, "Are you sure you're not a lesbian?" They were so unbelievably tolerant that they actually made me NOT WANT to be gay. Meanwhile Amy's mom wanted to ship me away to another country. It was hard dealing with the fall-out but eventually I was allowed back into Farrah's home. Amy was my champion. That look in her eyes when her mom grabbed me that day. Sometimes I still think of that look. I've never seen her have it ever again.

Think how easy it could've been for me then if Amy just wanted me back. Amy was straight as a line but Mom and Dad kept pushing, they knew I liked her, they knew I was wrong. I'd spend all my time with Amy trying to bury my feelings. The more I tried the harder it became.

By high school I snapped. I loved Amy but she couldn't love me back that way. It was no more her fault that it was my own. I had to change for her. I had to stop the urges and be this normal person. I knew I'd always be lonely and hurting and wrong if I didn't just let that idea go. I hated lying to her. I hated that she didn't know that for years I had been in love with her.

Liam Booker seemed an easy fixation. I had never had feelings for anyone other than Amy. No boys and no girls. I still don't know if I'm gay or Amysexual.

Liking a girl would've given my parents too much satisfaction. Honestly, there was no one else I could like, and boy was I looking. When the year started up again I was absolutely desperate for a change. I knew I'd just have to pick at random and go with it. I didn't like anyone. It wasn't in me like it should be. So I picked the most cliche person on campus. It was never about his looks. He was pretty but he could never be Amy. I knew that more than I knew hands were for touching and eyes were for seeing.

Convincing Amy to fake-love me was too easy. It was so easy it hurt. So easy I almost felt like just asking her out. But I had learned my lesson by now. I wasn't going to be the reason our friendship ceased to exist and I wasn't going to be the reason that Amy and Farrah hated each other with a passion.

We didn't change much about our established relationship. All we did was add more kissing. It wasn't hard for me since I didn't want to feel like a lying pervert or a shitty friend. I always tried to not feel it and just act as if I was this Karma who only liked boys. I had become this new person, at least for a while. Every time Amy kissed me I knew she was being forced. She was kind to do it so I was kind and tried not to fall into her hard or fantasize. Sometimes I had dreams and woke up sad. I'd spend those days after the dreams forcing myself to fantasize about Liam Booker. He would be my savior from this mess.

As far as Amy goes, I always told her that I loved her but I don't think she ever really got that it wasn't the platonic kind of love. Actually, I knew for a fact that she didn't get it. She was my beautiful oblivious dream girl. Pining for her had been dangerous, so I stopped. I really couldn't do it anymore without feeling like a complete traitor to her.

So no, Liam Booker wasn't an excuse to kiss her. But it was fun to pretend at first, until my feelings came back strong that night of the threesome.

At the threesome I had a momentary hiccup. A big one.

"Faking it" with Amy was half-fantasy half-nightmare for me. As much as I wanted to kiss her I always knew she wasn't in it.

When I kissed her that first time, when we were faking, and she told me she felt nothing it was absolute proof, unavoidable truth. Dwelling in her felt wrong so I tried not to feel. I had been alone with my secrets for much too long. Hope for Amy to love me that way seemed cruel and backwards and so I was set on doing away with it.

I would obsess about Liam, his body was nice. I thought, well maybe if I start having sex with the hottest guy in school, maybe then I'd feel something. Maybe then I'd know if I was actually gay or actually interested in what men had to offer.

My worst fear, of course, wasn't that I was gay but that I'd never get over Amy and never stop feeling like this secretive creep who couldn't just be her best friend, couldn't just love her without making it weird. I didn't want to lose Amy over my obsession and I didn't want to feel so stunted like I could never love someone who wasn't her.

When we started, it was fine. She'd show no signs of wanting me but my parents gave me hope and I hated them for it. I was honest with them long before and it was the stupidest thing I had ever done. My mom in particular would always think Amy knew about my crush. She'd say stupid things and Amy would look at me weird while I was dying inside.

Things changed again at homecoming, I never expected Amy to care so much that she full on came-out to her homophobic mother. Her mom wasn't like mine. Coming out for her seemed crazy bold and I was confused by it. I chalked it up to rebellion but then the threesome came and it really fucked with my head.

My plan to snag Liam backfired when Amy turned into a tiger and kissed me, almost naked, looking like a model in front of the boy I was supposed to want. That kiss made me feel so helpless and so weak. The whole situation was so fucked up. How could I do anything after that? Worst of all, the kiss made me think I was crazy because I could swear she felt it too. It was like her birthday but more powerful. We had kissed so many times since then and all those kisses were bland but this one was like being punched in the gut. She kissed me and took my breath away until I could barely stand, barely breath. I was shaking with the weight of that kiss. So completely confused and thrown aback.

As if that hadn't been enough to throw me off my game. She kissed Liam Booker and I had to watch her be into him and stand there knowing I was shark bait for him much later. Before then I had never actually seen Amy kiss a boy. It hurt just as much as I thought it would. It was like a bad dream, one I couldn't get out of. It was a feeling so heavy that I'll probably never forget it and if anyone asked I couldn't explain any more than I just did. Watching her kiss him, it felt offensive and wrong.

Now, the wedding just happened.

Amy came completely out of left field and tried to tell me that she was in love with me. I've confused her so much she doesn't even know that she doesn't love me.

But I know her now. I really know her. I know her much better than she can ever know me.

She can't love me. I would've known that by now.

All I want to do is cry. All I want to do is die.

It's like I'm getting what I want but I feel like I have tricked her or like there's no way in hell it can ever be true or real.

I told her I couldn't love her but she has no idea why.

All that time I had been so good and it all lead to this moment. My life spinning upside down. My heart in my throat. My body weak and useless. My heavy past too strong to ignore.

For years and years I had been wanting her. She was all my fantasies and all my shame. I thought about her so much I almost felt like killing myself during the rough time after Farrah.

I had closed that door when I set my sights on what was normal. I had closed that door after several invitations and hints and painful rejections.

I had been through so much with her that to start again just seemed like more punishment. If I said "I'm in love with you too," all that could happen was I would get hurt.

I'm at home now and I feel stupid. Why did I have to belittle us right when she was confessing her love? She scared me so much that I belittled what we have and even worse, I lied to her face.

Liam said that thing about Amy and I seeming gay and I just, I reacted like an asshole. I don't want to be gay… That wasn't my plan.

Of course I want to love her. That's what I've always wanted. But our love isn't destined. I've been avoiding it's one-sided nature for years and years and years.

But to live through all this and have her give that speech and tell me she loves me?

How am I supposed to live in this world where I just get punched and hit and knocked out without rest? There's no pleasure in this….

But… She loves me?

I just feel so fucking confused.


	2. Oh Darlin', My Heart's On Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karma is breaking further after finding out what Amy and Liam have done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Thank you to everyone who has read! I love that you love it and I'm trying not to ruin it for you! I think telling Karma's side of the story at this point in time is very important and necessary because hating a person is just something you shouldn't have to do if you can avoid it, even a fictitious person who I'd much rather love than hate.*
> 
> *Disclaimer: the word *fucking* is used way too many times in this chapter. I may as well just call this chapter THE ONE WHERE EVERYONE SCREAMS THE WORD "FUCKING" ABOUT A BILLION TIMES!*
> 
> *Spoilers: picks up at the end of season 1*

Chapter Two

Part 1: Amy Fucked Liam Booker

"God Amy, so it's true?! You just fucked Liam Booker?!" I screamed at her, I was livid.

"Karma, I didn't know what I was doing! I was drunk!" She pleaded.

"But you fucked Liam Booker, Amy! You fucked Liam FUCKING Booker!" I screamed.

"IF YOU SAY I FUCKED LIAM BOOKER ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL-"

"WHAT, AMY?! YOU'LL WHAT?!" How else could she possibly hurt me. So what if I said I didn't love her! I didn't do that to hurt her. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO HURT HER! BUT LOOK WHAT SHE DID! "You gonna kill me? You gonna get mad at me for being mad that you had sex with the only guy I've ever really been interested in?! I better watch out you might just go fuck someone else just to piss me off." I cried crazily.

I had been doing so well. I had spent all my nights with Liam up until Farrah's wedding. Amy had been practically GONE from my fantasies because of my new sex adventure. It was getting easier not to think of her. I was finally getting what I wanted. BUT NOW THIS?!

I could never sleep with Liam again! How could I sleep with him knowing where his hands and body had been? How could I sleep with him without remembering this betrayal of Amy's? If he were to have sex with me right now all I would be thinking about was her. She had taken away my escape!

Was he good to her, did she feel like I did, what sounds did she make? Did she like it? Would she like it more than...

It was clear! It was crystal clear! I could never sleep with Liam Booker again because Liam Booker had also been taken over by memories of Amy.

"Are we just not going to talk about what I said?" Amy asked, adding insult to injury, ignoring the fact that she had done something monumentally wrong.

"What else is there to say?" I asked.

"I told you I love you Karma, we HAVE to talk about that!" Amy begged.

She was doing a good job at pretending to give a fuck. Being around her after what she had just said, in the room where she betrayed me in the biggest possible way, I could smell Liam's lingering cologne on her skin from far away where I was hardly standing up in my fury. The longer I stayed the more I saw them together in my mind.

"Amy, there is nothing to say. If you loved me you could never do what you did. Don't you see that?! Do I have to spell that out for you too? Do you even have any independent thought?!"

I suddenly felt good about lying the night before. Good about pretending I didn't love her. Now that she had really hurt me all my instinctive self-defense didn't seem so crazy.

"Karma, I didn't mean-"

"I KNOW, I KNOW!" I screamed, wanting to throw things. "YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO FUCK LIAM BOOKER!" I couldn't handle it. "Well, you may not have meant to do that Amy but you fucking did it, alright?! You fucking did it and I can't fucking ignore that. I would never fucking do that to you. If you were really in love with me you wouldn't have done that."

"Do what?! Fuck someone I didn't care about because I was DRUNK and I fucked things up with the only person who ever really loved me?!" Amy wept. She seemed confused but she had done what she had done. "You wanted me to fuck Liam FOR YOU Karma?! I WAS IN LOVE -WITH -YOU AND YOU WANTED ME TO FUCK LIAM! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW TWISTED THAT IS?!" Amy asked, making me pause to think.

Amy's door flew open.

"HOLY FUCKING HELL!" Lauren screamed. "I know Mom's not here but can you at least try not to be this loud and INSANE?! I could hear you yelling from two blocks away!"

"LEAVE!" Amy and I yelled in unison.

"GOD! YOU'RE BOTH CRAZY!" Lauren freaked, leaving the room and slamming the door.

"You didn't have a threesome Amy. We didn't have a threesome." I pointed out.

"Yeah but not because of you." Amy said, stinging me just a little. The readiness back then, the way she seemed ready to just go ahead and have sex with us both? It always rubbed me wrong. Then and now.

"Forget it," I said, finally feeling the weight of all that had gone on, all my lies, all my trying. Everything ended up worse no matter how I tried to control it and make it good. I shook my head and tried to speak through the tears. "At least I know now that you actually wanted to fuck Liam Booker." I cried, a taste of bitterness in my mouth. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't think about this. "I need to go." I said. She reached for me but I backed away.

"No! DON'T!" I yelled. "You have, NO idea what this feels like! Absolutely none!" I spat bitterly, holding my side and leaving her there.

On the way out I slammed the door.

She didn't follow me. She didn't call.

Part 2: Oh Darlin' My Heart's On Fire, For You

At school on Monday it was hard to disappear. I had worked so hard at making myself known to any and every one at Hester High that most of the school liked to check in, say hello, and superficially catch up on a daily basis now. No one knew about Liam and Amy, no one but us. Somehow that made everything worse. At least if they knew they would've left me alone or treated me like something big had happened. It was weird to have started the year out in search of popularity only to know by the time I found it that it was completely pointless, overrated, and just sad.

Liam tried to talk to me but I told him it was over for real. I was mad at him but he had always been this shitty non-boyfriend. Expecting something different from him would've just been misguided. His betrayal certainly wasn't like Amy's in any way. I wasn't Liam Booker's and Liam Booker wasn't mine. Amy was mine. She used to be mine.

I know it sounds crazy but even though I slept with Liam, I really wasn't mad at him about what he did with Amy. I was mad that he touched her yeah but that's not me being mad at Liam and I know it. Irrationally, I blamed Amy for it all because Amy was mine, Amy had always been mine. She knew my inner most thoughts and fears, all except the one we never talked about, the one she didn't know.

It's weird and twisted and stupid. I know on some level Liam was probably excited about sleeping with Amy. He had to be. Who wouldn't be? But for me, I just didn't care. He wasn't my enemy. He was barely even a friend after everything. I just thought to myself, wouldn't it be great if Liam Booker just dissolved into thin air? I didn't want to have known him anymore. I had tried so hard to live out all my built-up fantasies of him, the ones that were almost fully fabricated and fed by all the cheesy hetero-normative films and books I had seen and read. It wasn't that I was trying with him, it was that I was letting myself go completely because why should I care what happens between me and some strange boy? He was a boy I owed nothing too and I made sure of that. He was a player.

He wasn't a stranger anymore but he also wasn't my friend.

I had pulled him into my mess and I had to take the blame for that. He never would've slept with Amy if I hadn't lied and made him feel so bad about hurting her. When I think of all the crazy things I did, they all revolve around Liam: the threesome, the tricks, the fantasies, all the lies. Liam was a catalyst and I had chosen him just right without expecting him to have feelings. Everyone has feelings. That's why I couldn't hate him. It was my fault after all. Given the circumstance, I couldn't really like him either. We were just done. Done forever.

A few days went by this way with me ignoring them both at school. Liam tried harder than Amy and I knew why for a little while. It wasn't just the sex that had happened to breakup Amy and I. There was so much deeper going on. Such betrayal and such secrecy. She had lied to me for months, which I couldn't really be mad about given my own similar lie. A part of me knew that I was taking things out on her more because she had lied. It almost felt like none of it was about Liam.

"So…" Shane kept trying to talk to me but I couldn't do it. "Any chance you're feeling charitable today? Your friend over there made you some adorable cupcakes." I looked over his shoulder to see Amy holding a plate filled with sweet things. I instantly felt nauseous and turned to walk away.

"I don't want to be bribed," I spoke to her for the first time since our explosive talk at her house.

"It's not like that. You never eat as much as you should. I always make you eat more and you haven't let me be around you so I'm worried." Amy spoke sweetly and quick, annoying me with her honesty and care after all she had done. She was right about the food. She was always right somehow about stupid little things. "I know I don't deserve to be talking to you. I just want you to eat something. I've been watching you and you're barely eating Karma…"

"Yeah well, I haven't felt too great lately. I'm sure you can figure out why."

"I am sorry. And I do hate this."

I said nothing, I took no cupcakes, and I walked away.

What was I supposed to do? Just forget…

I ate lunch in an empty classroom. It was better to be alone.

Soon, with the passage of time, Amy began to try all sorts of things. When I wouldn't talk to her at all she began to leave messages on my phone. At first it was just once a day but then they progressed.

I'd listen and dwell in them. I couldn't speak to her so what else was I going to do? "Morning… I miss you… I hope you talk to me today. Do you know how long it's been since you actually looked at me cause I do. 64 hours, 2 minutes and 18 seconds. 19 seconds. 20 seconds."

I tried to read, to escape my world, but I couldn't escape. Concentrating on anything seemed hard. Often I stared off into space feeling absolutely nothing. I was growing thinner, I soon noticed but I didn't care.

"I can't find you at lunch. I've tried. Where are you going? Shane says I should pay penance. Shane says what I did was a betrayal. He asked me how Romeo would react if Mercutio slept with Juliet. I never thought of it that way because I didn't think about it at all. It just happened. I was just drunk Karma, nothing else. Drunk and sad and really not thinking at all. I believe him though, Shane. I'm an idiot. That'd be horrible if Mercutio slept with Juliet. I don't know if Romeo would kill Mercutio or himself after that but it's Shakespeare so he'd certainly kill something… Please talk to me… I'm so worried about you... If I could take it all back I would. I miss you so much Karma. I know I don't deserve it but I want to hear your voice so badly, I can hardly breathe."

I ate my white bread hummus sandwich with sprouts and avocado. I listened to her message at least four times.

At night was the worst. That's when I thought of her the most. It wasn't the new stuff I thought of. I wasn't thinking of Liam and her and all the drama. I thought of how we used to be.

I started to have dreams again. Dreams where I'd forget how we'd changed and we'd just cuddle on the couch doing normal things like watching American Pickers or reading magazines on Amy's bed.

I'd wake up crying. I'd skip school for a few days.

All the while the messages didn't stop. After a while Amy seemed really upset.

"Karma? Are you sick? Are you okay? If this is because of me, just stop please. I told you it didn't mean anything and it didn't. I love you more than any other person on Earth and I always have. Karma you know me! You'd know if I was lying! I don't get how you can torture me when you know I'm telling you the truth! I know it was shitty and stupid and wrong but Karma I didn't mean it okay? I miss you so much. I just come to school and look for you everywhere. It's like you're a ghost and I can't touch you. Do you know how horrible that feels? I want to touch you Karma and I don't mean that in a creepy lesbian way. I just want to see you and know that you're alive, okay? I'm gonna come over after school. Please let me in. Please. I couldn't take you disappearing from my life. You are my life Karma, you're my whole entire life."

It should've sounded stalkery but it didn't. It was sweet. It was the way we had always spoken to one another. We were so devoted that even when we tried not to be we failed miserably.

I didn't let her in. I still couldn't. But I was starting to cave with that shallowness in her voice, that desperation she rarely had, Amy was usually such a calm person. I had turned her life completely upside-down.

"Liam asked about you. He's worried. I'm worried too." I could hear that she was on lunch, all the people around were yelling and laughing, Shane's obnoxious voice could be heard in the background. Mostly I could hear Amy's heavy breathes. Even through the phone I could tell how much I was hurting her. How could I explain everything that had gone wrong? It made it worse that I hadn't seen her. My imagination made her out to be pale and ill looking, as beautiful as ever but fading.

Around that call I started thinking I should tell her the truth.

When she called that night I answered but didn't speak.

"Karma?" I said nothing.

"Are you okay?" She tried. I said nothing. "I miss you," she whined. "Life without you is the absolute worst." I smiled at that just a little. At least she was suffering too. "I feel so weird about everything that happened. I don't know if you're avoiding me because of what I did with Liam or if you're avoiding me because of the other thing, the important one that you don't want me to talk about…"

I laid on my bed and listened to her thoughts, wanting not to breathe or speak or make a sound. Just hearing her put my stomach in knots. I didn't want to move.

"At least you picked up the phone…" She said. "At least I can pretend we're talking even though you probably want to tear me apart…" I didn't want to tear her apart and that truth made it all that much worse.

We were silent a long time. I let my breathing go and I think she heard.

"Is it weird that I can feel you?" I felt that one in my chest. "I've been having dreams that everything's fine. It really sucks to wake up, Karma. I've cried more in the past week than I've cried in my whole life."

I thought about speaking but stopped myself.

"I'm really sorry Karma, about everything… You have no idea how good it feels… Just to hear you breath."

Neither of us talked after that but I laid there and just listened. Hearing her breath felt like magic, like the breath of life giving me a reason to live.

She fell asleep first. It had been late and she had actually gone to school that day, unlike me.

When I woke up I had a message.

"Morning beautiful. I miss you…" It was all she said. She called me beautiful.

I was starting to want her again, despite everything. I was starting to want her, even though I knew it was a bad idea, to let myself. I was wanting her all the same if not more. The more she tried the more I felt it returning. That feeling I had tried so hard to resist and push away and bury beneath other feelings that could never ever be as loud.

She could do anything and I would forgive her. She could sleep with Liam, and come out to her mother at random. She could show up for a threesome and make my heart so tight I can't breathe. She could deny my feelings unintentionally for years upon years. She could turn around and tell me she's in love with me right when I'm in a good place to get over her. That was my whole problem. I loved her that fucking much. She could do anything and I'd still love her.

It was the most dangerous sort of love. The kind of love you think you want until you have it. What actually happens when you get what you want? Does it get better or worse?

If I tell her the truth can we ever really be happy? Or will we crash and burn, dissolve into ash...

I couldn't call her back. I couldn't go to school.

Most importantly, I knew that I couldn't ignore her forever...


	3. The Space Between

Chapter Three

The Space Between

Part I

Saturday morning came just like Friday had come and Thursday and Wednesday. I awoke feeling weak and broken. There was noise in the hall, a thudding but I didn't get up in time to check.

I heard a knock at the door and thought it must be my mom. I was wrong.

My door opened slowly and Amy came in uninvited, a huge nervous smile on her face and a pink box of donuts in her hands from our favorite old fashion donut place 20 minutes away.

"Hi," she whispered in that tortured way of hers.

I turned over in bed and hugged my pillow without words.

She sat down close beside me and I could feel her even though we weren't touching.

"I got up early. I couldn't wait another day to see you," Amy said. "Please tell me you don't hate me," Amy begged. I couldn't tell if she was crying but she sounded choked and her breaths were labored from the distance.

When I thought about how much I didn't hate her, my stomach growled loud enough for her to hear.

"I brought donuts. I got your favorite."

"That wasn't about hunger," I said, breaking my silence but refusing to look.

"Oh," Amy said sadly feeling bad probably for making me physically ill.

I felt the bed move as she lay down.

"Can I stay with you today, please?" She begged.

I didn't say anything so she stayed.

"Can I get you something? Water? A movie? Anything at all?"

"Shhh," I shushed. Wanting for things in my head to be quiet.

"Sorry," she whispered trying to be still.

She was fidgeting A LOT.

I felt her twist one way and then the other and then back until she rested on her side facing me. I could tell because her breathing was obvious and she was very very close.

"Karma?" She said, causing my eyes to shut tight. The sound of my name on her lips took my breath away just then.

"Yea," I sighed trying not to give away anything I was feeling.

"Never mind," she said in her struggle. I felt her head plop down on the pillow beside my head. She was so close to me it was hard to not feel her there. It reminded me of magnets and how they repel each other or attract. I wasn't sure what the distance was doing but I could feel that empty air between us and it meant too many things, it was electric and alive, a part of me.

I felt Amy struggle again. The distance between us closed a little and she was holding her breath behind me. I was almost scared by it. I knew she was about to try something.

I felt her hand on my arm as her body slid in close behind mine. Before I knew it she was holding me with her whole body.

"I love you," she said quietly. It wasn't like she had ever held me before, it was different.

She moved my hair out of my face and I shut my eyes as tears spilled out of them.

"I'm sorry," she said. She must've seen them.

I couldn't speak and my throat hurt. In her arms I felt hot and covered.

She settled down after that. Her breathing in my ear became slow and calm. It soothed me to feel her normal with me.

Eventually I feel back to sleep.

Part II

When I woke again I woke to the pleasant feeling of Amy everywhere. She was still holding me just the same and I felt cradled by her and safe.

"Mmmm," I whispered.

"Mmmm," she mirrored back. I forgot I was supposed to be mad.

"Can we stay like this forever?" I asked.

"Yes please," Amy sighed, hugging me tight in her arms. I felt a flutter in my chest at her touch and her tenderness. "I'm so glad you're not a ghost," she said, reminding me of that message, the one I couldn't stop listening to while she was gone.

She must've been wanting to touch me all along.

"This doesn't mean I'm not mad at you," I said.

"I know," she sighed. "You can be mad."

"I'm not mad at you," I said.

"What?" Amy seemed surprised.

"I'm not mad," I realized it long ago. I couldn't pretend that was why I was so pent up and hidden all week. It had nothing to do with it.

"If you're not mad then…" Amy paused. I felt her losen her grip on me a little, maybe she was scared. "It's the other thing isn't it."

"It's something," I said. It wasn't just her who had changed. I had gone backwards. She had given me hope. I was just scared to reach out and grab it.

"Does it hurt when I touch you?" She asked. "I betrayed you," she must've been talking about the lie. Not about Liam and the sex but the lie of loving me and keeping it inside. I knew about that lie and that pain.

"It feels good," I said, feeling her all about me.

"Good like, how?" Amy asked. She seemed nervous and confused and she had every right to be.

"Good like, I need you," I said.

A heard a puff of air escape her lips as she hugged me tighter.

"Of all the things you could've said," she whispered. I could feel her smiling into my cheek.

My whole body was weak with her holding me. Soft and tender, I wanted it to keep happening forever.

She brushed her hand up and down my arm, going from my elbow up to my wrist and tangling her fingers into mine tight, her body pressing mine and I could hear her breathing me in.

"I don't know how to be with you," she confessed. I held her hand and pulled it up to my chest so that she would hug me again.

"Be yourself," I said. I always loved her just as she was.

"Myself," Amy sighed heavily. "Being myself would involve wanting to kiss you," she reminded sadly, probably thinking it could never be. I had said those stupid things at the wedding. Of course she would think that now.

"We've kissed before," I reminded, my lips parting at the prospect, my lungs feeling tight.

"Sort of," Amy said.

"We have," I said smiling, turning around to face her before realizing what I had done.

She saw me smile and smiled back, pleased by my face and my reaction to her words. I avoided her eyes and played with her hands, holding my head up with my other hand and wishing I knew how to just be.

"I don't know," Amy said in front of me. She pushed her soft warm hand into mine and I felt my body shudder just a little, my eyes closing in the pleasure as I smiled at her tender touch.

"Go ahead," I said, keeping my eyes closed light. I wanted her to kiss me I really did. If she was kissing me maybe I'd stop analyzing everything and just start being happy for once. Maybe I could get the things I wanted. Maybe we wouldn't crash and burn.

"I," Amy stuttered hesitantly. "You really want me to kiss you?" Amy asked.

"Mmmhmmm," I hummed keeping my eyes closed and my mind at bay. I heard her scoff and opened an eye to look. "Why aren't you doing it?" I asked.

"I-I don't know," Amy said, staring back at me sort of nervous.

"Do you want me to do it?" I asked, opening both of my eyes and looking into her face for the first time all day.

There was something about Amy that was so unbelievably tortured. I felt my chest heave as I moved closer.

"Close your eyes," I said. I watched as she did it, taking her in, she was so perfect like this.

I came close and heard her inhale shakily.

"Relax," I said, watching her fretful expression and seeing her chest rise and fall. I moved a hand to her neck and brushed my thumb against her cheek. Our lips touched and I tasted her, parting her lips with my tongue. "Mmm," I hummed into her mouth, pulling her closer by her neck and taking long soft tastes with both my tongue and my lips, kissing her slowly.

"Uhh," I felt her inhale. Her eyebrows raised, her hand on my neck. Her whole body tense and scared.

"Mmmm," I hummed again, breathing hard as I broke away and held my forehead to hers, panting.

She was right about everything. We had never done that before.

"Holy shit!" Amy breathed, her eyes closed tight as she held me to her by the neck.

"I know," I agreed, panting. It was like being thrown into an ice cold lake. My body shocked to life and I had to breath just to calm myself.

"Wh-what was that?" Amy asked, not opening her eyes.

"That was… that," I answered. It should've said everything to her but it somehow fell short.

"Karma?" Amy said, opening her eyes and pushing herself away from me. I braced myself with a hand on the bed and opened my eyes to stare. "Karma!" She whined, "What was that?!" She seemed frantic and ran a hand through her hair as she stood up and paced the room.

"Amy, calm down," I said, sitting up and tucking my knees into myself.

"That was," she shook her head looking crazy. "That was, oh jeez," she said, not looking at me. Her mind was spinning.

"Sit down," I ordered. She was making me too nervous.

"Wh-how?!" She said, looking at me almost painfully. "You've never kissed me like that," she said, feeling everything too strong.

"I know," I said, looking up at her with a guilty look in my eyes.

"I-I-I," she stuttered, her breath too quick. I watched her try to speak and lose her air.

"Breath," I said, standing up and moving her to sit on the bed. "Breath!" I knelt down in front of her and held her hands, making long controlled breaths until she copied me like a pregnant woman in a Lamaze class. "Good," I said. "Just breathe."

"What?!" She sighed lengthily after gathering herself.

"I used to be in love with you," I blurted out, seeing the pain that had been on her face and the confusion from that kiss that was exploding fireworks straight into her chest and pumping her heart five times its normal speed.

"You what?!" She almost yelled, squeezing my hand way too hard.

"OW!" I yelled.

"Sorry!" She said, rolling onto the bed and hugging herself.

"I used to be in love with you," I said again, this time slower.

"Karma, I heard you!" She groaned.

"Please don't be mad," I panicked.

"When?!" She seemed shocked.

"All the time," I said. It started so early it was hard to say when.

"Karma that's not a time."

"Remember Halloween? And that birthday of yours with the big cake?"

"Of course I remember!" Amy groaned, crawling away to the far corner of the bed and burying her face in my pillow. "OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO FUCKED UP!" I heard her moan into the pillow.

"Wait," she turned to look at me."

"Why'd you tell me you didn't love me at the wedding?" Amy asked.

"I dunno, I freaked out!" I confessed.

"So..." she thought back. "On my birthday when you kissed me," she seemed to be remembering it new now and she had a dazed look in her eyes. "You really wanted to kiss me then."

"I did," I confessed. Remembering it like it was yesterday.

"Why didn't you tell me?!" Amy asked feeling sad. She was probably wondering how long ago this could've all come out.

"You weren't like that then."

"I know but who knows," Amy said.

"Does it matter?" I grimaced.

"Sort of…" Amy said, hugging her knees.

"I kissed you three times Amy Raudenfeld."

"No you didn't!" She tried to blame.

"Tag, Halloween, Birthday." I counted them off on my fingers in front of her face.

"What the hell?!" Amy held at her head to breath.

"KARMA!" She yelled.

"I know," I yelled back, seeing the confusion and almost hurt in her. I had been keeping so many secrets. "I knew you didn't want me. You never kissed me then."

"It wasn't because of that Karma!" Amy yelled back. "I was never a sexual person, you knew that!"

"I know, and I was," I reminded.

"I know," she sighed back, falling back onto the bed and groaning. "OUR LIFE IS SO FUCKED UP!" She moaned. I liked that she said it like that. It had been OUR life.

"I'm sorry," I said, moving up onto the bed to try and calm her. I laid down next to her moving my face close her hers. "You're a really good kisser," I said, trying to console her.

She moved her hands off her eyes and stared at me half blushing.

"I am so fucked up right now, you don't even understand."

"Me too," I said, moving close to her and hugging her tight, resting my head up on her shoulder. "You smell good," I said, with my nose lightly touching her neck.

I could hear her gulp as her hands held the arm I had placed over her stomach.

"I can't believe this is happening," she said, looking over at me and meeting my eyes. "Karma, I'm scared." She said.

"I know," I said back, moving my hand to her chin and pulling her into me, kissing her again.


	4. It's Not That I'm Scared, It's Just That It's Delicate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow it all feels right...

Chapter Four

It's Not That I'm Scared, It's Just That It's Delicate

We spent all morning like that, tortured, barely able to breathe. We were sweating together, unable to calm down. Words were rare but we touched each other slowly. At one point Amy rolled on top of me, she was kissing me so fast and I felt trapped beneath her. She slipped a hand beneath the hem of my shirt and I stopped her, pushing her hand down and turning my head, breaking from her kiss.

It wasn't like Liam. This wasn't a game.

I couldn't just let myself go. Let her touch me all at once. The more she pushed the more nervous I became. I felt myself shaking. It hurt to push her away but letting her go felt uniquely painful, the pleasure was so vast that it actually caused me pain. I'd feel relief when she touched me again and relief when I pushed her away.

"I'm, I'm not doing this right," Amy breathed hoarsely after not talking. We had gone over an hour like that, small touches turning into long hot drags of her skin on mine, tender sweet kisses becoming hard and passionate make-out sessions that had the power to make me so weak I felt like crying and my voice disappeared to an almost silent whimper, so small I could barely breathe.

Every time, when it got to be too much, I would stop her. Every time I would push her away and gasp, wanting to cry as my body weakened and tensed.

"Are you okay?" She finally asked.

"Uhh," I sighed overwhelmed. "I've just…" I wanted to tell her, I've just been wanting this for so long. To dream about something for so long then have it happen, it wasn't easy. I was finding that out.

"It's okay," Amy said, looking down at me, brushing my face with her hand.

"I think it's too much," I said, my eyes cloudy with tears. She looked down at me and saw. She was breaking me, on accident. She had been hurting me tenderly and she didn't even know how.

Amy dropped her head and kissed my cheek slow, more than once. "I'm sorry," she whispered sorrowfully into my ear, rolling off of me and holding me loose.

The worst thing about it was I had no idea what she was thinking. Did she like what was happening? Did she think she had hurt me physically? Because it wasn't that at all... If I was giving her mixed signals I hated myself but it hurt too much when she kissed me like that, it hurt because I wanted it so bad, I wanted it like air in my lungs and when I got it I couldn't take it, it was too much, I was full and overfilling.

How do you even explain something like that?

I wondered, panicked, while she held me.

"I don't want to hurt you," Amy said, watching my face. Tears rolled calmly out of my eyes and she must've seen.

"It's not…" I didn't know how to explain. "You don't hurt me. It's just a lot," I said. Probably confusing the hell out of her since she was full-steam ahead and unaffected in her way. She was hot and excited.

"You just feel so good, I didn't want to stop," she confessed, rolling onto her back and holding the side of her forehead with her hand.

"You feel so good I have to stop," I said.

She looked at me and we both laughed. We always had been so very different. Of course we'd be different at this.

"Push me away if I'm hurting you," Amy said.

"Okay," I agreed, knowing that I probably wouldn't.

"I mean it Karma," Amy said.

"I don't like pushing you away," I confessed.

She looked at me hungrily and smiled with half of her face. I watched her turn towards me happily, onto her side.

"Will you eat a donut now?" She asked, making me laugh.

"Sure," I said. She got up and grabbed the box, resting it in her lap and pulling out my favorite raspberry jelly from Tom & Anne's Mom and Pop Donut Shop.

"Here," she said, holding it up to me with two hands. I leaned forward and took a bite, it tasted delicious with her taste on my tongue.

"Mmmm," I hummed, my eyes closing to the flavor of Amy mixed with that sweet raspberry filling and that tender glazed donut shell.

Amy watched me and smiled. There was still a bit of hunger in her from before and I could see it in her eyes.

"Stop looking at me," I smiled, blushing. I took the donut away.

"Sorry," she said, blushing herself and turning her face down to pick a different donut up and eat it.

We sat back on the bed and she flipped on my tv.

"Do you think we'll be different now?" She asked, sighing.

"Probably," I smiled, it felt good to eat after having absolutely no appetite for several painful days in row.

"But good different, right?" She asked, trying hard not to look at me.

"Definitely, good different," I said.

We were actually going to have what we both wanted for once.

We watched something lame and shared milk out of a carton that Amy bought.

After we ate I let her hold me for a long time. It felt good to cuddle now. It was still hard for me but so very good. All I could feel was how much I wanted her. I wondered if we'd ever go back to breathing the way we used to, without feeling so strong and knowing so much. It didn't seem very likely.

Somehow Amy and I had finally found each other again.

If I thought about it at all my smile became impossible. Amy would see it and grin and wonder what she had done. But it was everything.

She had simply done everything.


End file.
